I just don’t think I can do this anymore, I’m so alone in this.
My first official weekend back on campus was supposed to start today, I was overjoyed, filled with childlike excitement but once again my mind is so much stronger than my body. My body is the person in the group project that did none of their work and doesn’t mention it until five minutes before a presentation. My body is inadequate, turning me into the child picked last in gym class or at least simulates the emotions of that. My list of health problems forever grows, relentlessly breaking down the thin shield of hopefulness I build back up. At only age nineteen I’m now diagnosed with lyme disease, IBD, inactive pelvic floor, gardner’s syndrome, post concussive syndrome, stage three progressive endometriosis, chronic migraines, and newly a connective tissue autoimmune disease. Then the struggle with a lot of other small things, like severe allergies, vitamin deficiencies, and low blood levels. The newest diagnosis, it’s really not a good thing but doctors can be so vague, it’s another one of those incurable but treatable illnesses. I’m tired of hearing I don’t know, we don’t have enough research or, WOAH we’ve never ever seen anything like this before. How deeply I crave a boring life, bored to tears at least. I hate being an anomaly, an enigma, I’m drowning in gray area. I understand how fortunate I am to be alive, but living in pain makes it hard to keep up the optimism. I was a very healthy child never fell ill with even the common cold. Now I look healthy most of the time, so none of my peers can grasp the true reality of living every single day in pain. I haven’t given up, not for a single moment. I completed my last two years of high school from hospital beds. I’m a freshman in college again because I left Wheaton after 7 weeks of 4 classes worth of work that meant nothing for two major surgeries in Fall 2013. I’m the girl cursed with bad luck as well as poor health. I was a girl who never knew what sadness or anger felt like until age fifteen, never seeing the evil or injustice that plagues our lives and society. All I can say is we truly never appreciate our good health until it’s gone.